Four Steps Toward Forgiveness from Healing Currents Magazine — Sept/Oct 1996

The process of forgiveness can be a liberating experience. One that  if practiced proactively can lead to a wonderful experience of life.  Interestingly, forgiveness can only occur because we have been given the  gift of the ability to make choices. We have the choice to forgive or  not to forgive and no one can force us to do either. Conversely, if we  want to forgive someone no one can stop us no matter how poorly they may  act. This ability to forgive is a manifestation of the personal control  we have over our lives. It is nice to reflect upon and feel the respect  that we have been given to be able to make such profound choices.

Compellingly, the option to forgive also implies that we had  discretion as to whether or not we took offense in the first place.  While forgiving may be a difficult enough choice for many of us, imagine  how our lives would be if we rarely or never used our power of choice  to take offense. Since we have choice, wouldn’t it make sense to limit  the amount of times we are hurt or offended so that the need to forgive  rarely if ever arises? The ability to live life without taking offense,  without giving blame, and by offering forgiveness are choices that offer  a life of great peace.

The ability to offer proactive forgiveness proceeds along four steps.  At step one you are filled with self-justified anger. At some point in  your life you have been hurt and you are mad at the person you feel  wronged you. You blame the person committing the wrong for how you are  feeling. It is their action and not your choice of response that you  feel is at the cause of your anger. You have forgotten that you have a  choice as to how you will react, or are so angry that you are convinced  that it would not be right to forgive the offense. At this stage there  is usually both active and submerged anger.

The second step towards forgiveness emerges when after feeling angry  with someone for a while you realize that the anger does not feel good  to you. It may be hurting your emotional balance or your physical  health. Or you wish to repair the damage to the relationship. So you  take steps to forgive. You may begin to see the problem from the other  person’ts point of view or you may simply decide to let the problem go.  In either case after an extended period of time you are no longer angry  and you have forgiven the person with whom you were angry. This process  can be applied to anger at oneself, another person or to life in  general.

The third stage of forgiveness comes after you have seen the  beneficial results of forgiveness and you choose to let go of your anger  fairly quickly. In this stage the choice is to feel the hurt for a  short period of time, and then work to either repair the relationship or  let go of seeing the situation as a problem. In either case you decide  to forgive because you have had some practice with it and see the  benefit in your life. This could emerge in as simple a situation as  being cut off by another car on the expressway or in a complex situation  like an affair in a marriage. At this stage you are aware that the  length of time you experience the situation as a grievance is primarily  up to you.

The fourth stage of forgiveness involves the proactive choice to  rarely if ever get angry. This means often to forgive in advance of a  specific trigger. This stage often emerges at the same time as some or  all of the following thoughts:

I don’t want to waste my precious life in the discomfort caused by  anger so I will choose to feel differently. I am able to forgive myself,  forgive others, forgive life, and forgive God.

I know how it hurts when people don’t forgive me. I do not want to hurt other people by my anger so I will let it go.

Life is filled with incredible beauty and I am missing some if I am  experiencing unresolved anger. I forgive myself for getting sidetracked.

People do the best they can and if they err I can best help them by  offering understanding. The first step in this process is to forgive the  specific offense.

Everyone, including myself operates primarily out of self-interest. I  must expect that some times I, in my self-interest, will be annoyed by  some one else’s expression of their self-interest. If I can understand  that this is an ordinary part of life, what is there to be upset about?  If I understand that self-interest is the way that I behave, how can I  but offer forgiveness to everyone, including myself for behaving that  way?

These four stages of forgiveness will not be followed in the same way  by all people and in all relationships. There are some people for whom  we feel such love that we are almost always at stage four: open-hearted  and ready to forgive. There are other people for whom we feel so  egregiously hurt and our well of good will for them is so dry that we  can spend years at stage one. What is critical to remember is the power  of personal choice and the importance of exercising that choice to  forgive so that we can bring peace and healing into our relationships  and ourselves.

by Fred Luskin, Ph.D.

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

1.   Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to  articulate what about the situation is not OK.  Then, tell a couple of  trusted people about your experience.

2.   Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.  Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3.   Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the  person that upset you, or condoning of their action.  What you are after  is to find peace.  Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and  understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less,  taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance  story.”

4.   Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that  your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and  physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you  two minutes  or ten years ago.

5.   At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6.   Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that  they do not choose to give you.  Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you  have for your health or how you or other people must behave.  Remind  yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity  and work hard to get them.

7.   Put your energy into looking for another way to get your  positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.   Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what  you want.

8.   Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.  Instead  of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who  caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and  kindness around you.

9.   Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

from “Forgive for Good” (Harper Collins, 2002)
by Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

Please note:  Dr. Luskin expands on these suggestions in his new  book, Forgive for Good, which you can order through the Cooperative  Communication Reading List and Bookstore.  For more information about  Dr. Luskin’s work please visit www.learningtoforgive.com.

Tips for Forgiveness as a way to manage anger

Deciding if you should forgive or not may be easier after reviewing exactly what forgives is – and what it is not.

· Forgiving does not mean that you forget the offense
You may never forget (and probably shouldn’t) what happened to you, but  after forgiveness you can remember it without the emotional pain  connected to it.

· Forgiving does not mean that you are saying what they did was O.K.
Quite the opposite. We can forgive but still see what happened to you as horrific or unjust.

· You don’t need to even tell people who you forgive the  forgiveness occurs in your heart – not in conversation with them,  although in some circumstances you may want to have a dialogue about it.
It often backfires if you go up to someone (especially a relative) and  say “I forgive you.” This occurs because the offending person often  doesn’t see himself or herself as the problem. Better to do the  forgiveness in your own mind and heart. One exception to this is if you  are the victim of a violent crime. Some studies show that it helps your  healing if you forgive your assailant face to face.

· Forgiving doesn’t mean you will automatically trust them again
Forgiveness and trust are two separate issues. Even after forgiveness, it may take a long time to re-build trust, if ever.
To instantly trust someone again after they have violated you in some  way is not a sign of good mental health or strong self-esteem.

· Forgiving doesn’t necessary mean you like or love the offender, or even want to be in future relationship with them
Absence of angry feelings doesn’t necessarily create warm, positive, or  loving feelings in you for the offender-at best forgiving may bring you  up to neutral in your feelings toward them. It I possible to say to  yourself, for instance, “OK. I forgive her but I don’t want to have  anything further to do with her-ever.”

· You don’t need to forgive all at once.
This is a concept that especially applies to forgiving an unfaithful  partner. Dr. Abrams-Spring suggests that to start maybe you can only  forgive 10%—just open the door—and then see how your unfaithful partner  behaves. After a period of time, you might want to open the door a  little wider and forgive maybe another 20%, and so on.

The AJ Novick Group is a leading provider of Anger Management  training, classes, workplace programs and products. Mr. Novick is an  expert in the field of Anger Management and has written numerous  articles for magazines and Internet sites. He holds a Master’s degree in  Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and recently was the  co-author of “Anger Management for the Twenty-first Century”, a newly  developed model for Anger Management intervention. For more information  on Ari Novick, M.A. or the AJ Novick Group please visit http://www.ajnovickgroup.com or email ari@ajnovickgroup.com

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